Michelle Duggar likes to fuuuuck
how many princess gummy vitamins will it take to negate last nights drinking binge?
I saw an Asian dude carrying a patchwork denim purse get into a car with two rednecks at the grocery store tonight. Imagine what I could have seen if I had actually done something interesting.
Dude, we totally smoked up inside a church organ last night. Add this to the epic list.
did u get his digits?
yes his name is chazbangbangbang according to my phone...
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
I think the last straw was when you put on ice skates to go across the waxed wooden floor.
Birthday are for suffering. TAke some tylenol pm and day-drink tomorrow
There was a selfie of you in the dark pointing at the camera with a duck face. You sent it to my 60 year old mother with the caption "you behave"
She's too awesome to dump: she gives me great blow jobs and free Popeyes. You just don't burn a bridge like that.
Hey can you explain why there's a dissected coconut in my purse????
Which sister was it? The one I accidentally hit when my shoe flew off or the one I ate candy off of when we were high?
I'm not saying I love you. I never said I love you. I said that if earth blew up like Krypton you'd be the only person I would like to have inside me when our bodies burn up in a fiery inferno
Hey what you doing tonight?
Working at the hospital! So hurt yourself and come visit :)
See you in about a hour
Does having sex in an airport bathroom with a girl you just met at the bar count as the mile high club? ...no?
Randomize
