I think i really like him...he was super cuddly and kept me company.
stop. you already have a dog
Dude, she literally just asked me if her mac'n'cheese makes me horny. I think I found the one.
The cops forgot your handle of tequila when they took you away. Taking shots in your honor amigo
Ok so now that we've actually had sex do I get the last name or are u really witness protection status?
Just slept with a female bodybuilder. not cute. but it was like fucking hulk hogan with a twat. Beastly.
im so disgusted with myself. funny thing was i lasted 15 seconds. she benches 325
Im eating a cannibus peanut butter and jelly sandwich, while snuggling a stuffed animal. Either this flu is really really harsh or I'm some kind of stoner toddler
For Halloween this year I'm going to paint myself in gold, wear a golden toga and sash saying " cunt goddess"
I swear to god, my hangover cure is a green tea and a 15 minute twerkout. works every time
Where the condoms are as broken as my dreams
his first fb message to me in 3 years was "is your cock open for business?" im blocking him
it'll be okay! And just think of this ultrasound as the most action you've had in a month...
You may be fancy. But you'll never be having cheesy garlic bread and scotch at 3am fancy.
I'm fucking camped out by the bathrooms. I think the poopatrator is in there. Wtf is my life
Almost an end to the saga.
so I just realized.. of my 70k student loan debt, most of it went toward bar tabs, eightballs, and sweet-ass ties to wear to gamedays and other people's weddings. I think about shit like this while I'm at my mid-level management position. you know. "working."
Look upon your future, America, and despair.
Have you actually looked at the corn flakes box? I don't think the rooster has a soul.
Randomize
