She's perfect. Funny, gorgeous, 3 tats, been through a lot, bright. I'm in love.
the guy in front of me just bought a pound of bacon, a bouquet, and a case of budlight, i want to see THAT makeup sex
he came up my nose again i swear he does this just to piss me off
Pretty certain he passed out for a while going down on me. Absolutely certain he passed out during the blow job.
The doctor told me if I woke up with a broken foot and don't know how it happened, I might want to look into getting treatment.
Dong worry about me. I just cashed bottle of wine when I found out he was in town, I'm being dramatic. I'll text you tomorrow when I'm sober and my face stops bleeding
you can't tell me you didn't shit your pants I saw them in the trash can by the bathroom.
I am lonely and I want to touch your beard
Literally lying on a futon being hand fed bacon
Fuck you.
When I tell my children how I survived hurricane Sandy I'll probably leave out the threesome
I can't feel my clothes. I'm convinced I'm naked
You yelled to anyone that tried to help you "I have a burrito, what else could a girl want?"
I woke up with a cutting board and a bag of uncooked pasta next to me.
I don't particularly remember setting a firecracker off in my hand. No more tequila.
Omg i got really stoned and used a makeup app on my grandma...well, I’m definitely not adopted
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