I'm at subway, this 8 year old kid is judging my fashion sense with his dad. I want to kill myself.
It's ok, he's just 8, he's not judging you.
He just asked why I'm sitting alone. I honestly want to cry.
Call me back. I want to hear your side of the dead cat in my garage story.
he texted me at 1 in the morning to ask if i wanted to come over and play in the snow with him
at least he gets points for a creative booty call
Katy Perry is on a Proactiv commercial. That "I kissed a girl" shit is so much less hot now.
i woke up with a wedding ring drawn on my finger...if this was vegas id be worried
I told them the reason I passed out was because of "heat exhaustion." Not from showing up drunk. Good thing this is Arizona.
No our divorce decree will not have a blow job clause. Unless my alimony is greatly increased your bj's have been reduced to fantasy status.....
I just saw the Mona Lisa in the background of a porno. Whole new appreciation for art. fuck you I'm cultured.
I kept calling him escargot instead of Estaban..I don't think that was the wisest choice.
I'm texting an actual stripper. A male stripper. I dont wanna talk about it yet
I just want it to be said that I had sex in my Belle dress last night. Classy motherfucker.
If I get laid tonight it will 1.) Prove that the sex gods do in fact exist, and 2.) Show that I am one motherfucking badass bitch.
And then before we had sex he was quoting space jam to me
Today's hangover is brought to us by Sailor Jerry's and your dedication to my alcoholism.
She's kind of holyer-than-thou, like god himself came down and said "please cock block your roommate at every opportunity, and if you think she's thinking of sex, tell her she's a whore"
Randomize
