the family i'm sitting with looks like the Addams family. Except for the daughter...she looks like Shrek
The crowing achievement of my life is still the time I made a 3 course meal out of things I found in the dumpster.
I feel violated. a guy just did an ultrasound on my balls. He made eye contact..
Stop staring at my boobs, I can't concentrate
Well how do you think I feel
fair enough
I thought stuff was gonna go really bad after he filled the super-soaker with kerosene. but it all turned out pretty well.
I think ill wear my dads dashiki but make it sluttier. We shall see
Thanks for bailing me out last night guys. it's bullshit that everbeering people at bars is illegal. bitches have no sense of adventure anymore
foreskin is a definite game changer
You don't understand, we were on a waffle house. Both of us were absolutely certain we passed out at his place then BAM! Waffle house.
that's all we do, eat and hve sex, eat and have sex. he thinks it's bad and that we need to talk more or whatever but I'm just not seeing the problem...
Remember the bouncer that knocked out Dave and Sam? Apparently his day job is a florist. Uppercut and fresh cut in one package.
He's hitting it raw. Might as well stick his dick in a vat of SARS at this point.
you can't tell me not to come to work cause roads are bad then ask me an hour later to come in and expect me to be sober
I can't believe we really went to walgreens to use their cork opener, bounced and drank a bottle of wine in a sketchy corner...
Now I have the opportunity to have Chris Pratt or Channing Tatum?!? What a time to be alive.
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