I want to take you away to a place of dolphin rides and hot stone massages.
I googled "I hate my uterus" just to make sure I wasn't the only one.
bubblegum was invented today. we're getting drunk. end of story.
hes totally cute, too bad i slept with his father
Fuck. That. I'm gonna get drunker and make them regret they EVER put me at the kids table. I'm a MAN.
Apparently I kept telling people I was a pro tennis player again...
i love that youre following in my footsteps.. pissing yourself on your birthday is an honor and a privlege
Come down. You're the next contestant on this bowl.
He is just lying there. People are throwing money onto his chest as they walk by...
He ripped off my pantyhose and all I could think was, "oh no those were clinic-appropriate!" That's what I get for ditching a continuing education meeting to go hook up with my scuba instructor.
i woke up and found a picture of his grandma in my purse.. im a kelpto
The bend and snap? 98% success rate of getting attention. When used appropriately, it has an 83% rate of return on a dinner invitation.
IT ISN'T. I'M A LITTLE HIGH.
YOU'RE ALWAYS A LITTLE HIGH.
NO. IT'S RARE THAT I'M A LITTLE HIGH. I'M ALWAYS HIGH AS FUCK. THERE'S A DIFFERENCE.
My life just got so pathetic that I volunteered to work a double on my day off because its saturday and I have nothing else planned
Soon to be ex is nowhere to be found. Her attorney/new BF just showed up. 30 minutes late looking hungover. Pretty sure I'm getting the kids AND the house!
Randomize
