I smuggled my gin and tonic out of the bar by shoving the glass in my pocket...mistakes were inevitable.
i'm having taco bell mild sauce and tums for breakfast because i'm hungover and thats all i can find. it's like thanksgiving up in here
Just picked up an ounce of keif and if it goes to waste before the world ends I'm gonna haunt the shit out of somebody when we all die.
I started having a bad trip because I closed my eyes and got lost in a forest of patterns and I knew my mom would be upset.
i convinced him to be a french maid for halloween. he has no idea what he's in for. i just ordered the breast forms.
Owwwww. Yeah. I can barely move unless Im high on vicodin. We are bad at drinking/balancing. We will be the first to break hips and have to go into a home.
My brother and I have had one conversation in the past like 3 weeks and it was about what it would be like as a sentient butt plug
I mean. I just want to sit in my bed and eat bagels. What's wrong with that?
He asked me who my new boyfriend was and I showed him a picture of my sex toys.
Kelly and I just had sex, and you didn't call or text to interrupt, are you alive? We are both concerned.
The moment you tore my shirt off I knew I wanted to spend the rest of my life with you
He dropped some cash when he got in my front seat upside down. And a hat. I'm keeping them as retribution for not remembering that he had sex with me once before. Although, if he didn't have his dick pierced, I wouldn't have remembered either.
dude the last time we saw him was 2 nights ago when he was yelling that the trees were naked or some shit then he ran into the forest. I think its time for a search party
Just discovered I was so fucked up last night I called in sick to work... TWICE
How naked do you want me to be?
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