I'm making progress with her.. She actually looked at me today and gave me a dirty look. Things are going real good.
I just saw on the news, this guy tried to smuggle coke in a bouquet of roses... and to think I used to hate valentines day.
I just made a 90's Nickelodeon TV theme song power hour mix...I don't want to build it up but your head might explode
I think being a buddhist has made me a better drunk
i think i made a good impression on his friends wen i survived 55 cup beer pong
i should teach a seminar on how to fall off the wagon
He said he wanted to have butt sex with me and curl up with me after and just be near me. Then he passed out.
Drunk me forgot I'm not an 18yr old raver anymore. Adult me is now in pain.
We found him in the backyard throwing shoes onto the roof yelling "WHO BRINGS CROCS TO A HOUSE PARTY?!"
I feel as though sleeping all day due to the effects of prescription painkillers paid for by union insurance made this the most American day ever for me
Oh and yeah that does count as public urination.
theres a canoe in our lawn. we dont own a canoe.
it was the only safe place
the gnome is staring at me and the pineapple is wearing shorts. I don't want to do this anymore.
There is an episode of "how it's made" on tv right now. The subject is tequila and water beds. Basically my life.
My ovaries melted while we were talking. I almost told him I would suck his soul out through his dick
That would be a memorable parent teacher conference for sure
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