The girl I brought home was really impressed with the pile of blow you were doing while watching "Intervention."
We were sexting and at the end, instead of us having sex, he decided to put "we fell asleep in each others arms."
you texted me last night and told me you couldn't find the toilet.
That explains the puddle of pee in my closet.
unrelatedly i think im gonna download boogie nights just to see mark wahlberg's penis
I can't tell if I miss summer or 5 times a day sex more.
He confessed to putting dry erase marker dots on my vibrator to keep track of when I "electronically cheated" and then passed out.
My living room is scattered with glow sticks wrappers, sparklers, face paint & beer cans?
It's not as cool looking when the drugs wear off, is it?
Before I left he insisted on serenading me with a ukalele. I might be a little bit in love
We literally just Chinese fire drilled so I could give him road head.
Haha. I got you. I always pay you back somehow. Do you accept all major forms of payment: cash, taco bell, and patriotic underwear?
Going to the u of w I constantly have that moment of, oh hey I felt you up at that rave at folk fest that one time. Winnipeg is too small.
At this point, just throw that mattresses away. Or bronze it and display it as a testament to your shame. either is good.
Sorry about coming to the pool in only a thong. I thought you said it was closed. Not that you were teaching a group of kids how to swim.
I woke up only wearing a Breaking Bad "Los Pollos Hermanos" apron he got from Loot Crate next to a 3 empty bottles of Zima,Jolly Ranchers, and a jar of coconut oil. Fernet is one hell of a party starter
it's 1:30pm and i'm eating cheese while i sext. i need hobbies
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