apparently the 911 operator took drunk dialing waaayy too seriously
I literally had to tap out of the blow job. It was like a pornographic wrestling match
you know it's the perfect hook up when you don't have any friends in common with his girlfriend on facebook.
as of this morning I have officially vommed on the highways of 6 different countries. It's a proud moment.
The sun and I are not on speaking terms this morning
Ya I don't think I'm going anywhere, a cum towel, beer, and Vicodin was just exchanged in our white elephant present game
I'm supposed to be maturing, but no instead I'll be shitting my pants in Delaware for my 30th.
Hahahaha nah you won't shit your pants - but you will fully try mushrooms.
Right now I'm in a club where they are passing out glow in the dark dildos by the dozen. I don't think my life will ever get weirder than it is at this moment.
I'm a professor! I can't be caught chasing the liquor with you hooligans once the undergrads have seen my face
I know I don't have feelings for him because I feel completely ashamed every time after we have sex
She shows up drunk at 3am for sex and then punches me straight in the eye in the middle of it because "you're too nice."
I was just trying to be a good friend but in retrospect I probably shouldn't have pepper sprayed you.
I'm not snubbing your weed I just had a really important rack of ribs to get home to
If you don't turn up on horseback dressed like a highwayman I am not having sex with you today
He casually compared computer science to childbirth and I was like "hey, as someone who has wanted to fuck you for six months now, could you please never talk about childbirth ever again"
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