I want to spend time with you, and by time, I mean real time. Not your dick in my mouth time.
Come find me please? Im in a ditch.
That doesn't help me much...
I'm right under the moon!
At what point did you think the cops were actually coming to hang out with us
You cant hold me accountable for my actions when im high.
I can't wait for round whatever # we're on tonight.
Strip beer pong in the front yard? Of course the cops showed up
Nope, I'm sticking to passive aggressive punishments. Like mismatching his socks and cumming on his leather couch. OCD is so wonderful.
Cops said there's a crazy dude with a mask in my neighborhood. Don't get stabbed.
If he was naked that was me.
SHE JUST SHOVED MY HAND DOWN HER PANTS AT THE BAR
Don't text me with that hand
I just realized I'm the burger in your burger and steak anology. Very disconcerting.
Sometimes things go your way and sometimes you get hit on by a fat drunk girl.
I don't remember... but puking on the bar sounds like me.
I'm just gonna use that pot butter as dip for chips. That's fat, American AND stoner!
And then he said, "let's have sex and I'll send you home with enchiladas."
Woke up with 5 texts apologizing from a number I named "guy who elbowed me in face"
My life. Always pantsless and occasionally topless.
Randomize
