Until he has ordered mozzarella sticks & beers at 2pm while wearing formal attire, then this is still my bar.
yo everyone went to the hospital last night
do you know how hard it is to pee with a pumpkin in the toilet ?
The cab driver had me sign for the payment and I was like give me a second while I throw up right outside your door.
He explained how that handle got into our fridge. I think i'm going to stick with my original assumption that the vodka gods want me to drink more vodka.
omg i just made best friends with a deer. Im like the drunk santa clause.
you were feeling the wall and when we asked you why, you just said "because I want to know who lived here before"
Promise me you will not let me do anything sexual with or to a mini horse no matter how drunk we get. Ever.
I solemnly swear I will not get your boyfriend puke in public drunk again
Somehow she talked me into getting my dick pierced, weird first date.
the fact that i came three times was completely negated by the fact that he high-fived himself after.
you just rode your bike home from a one night stand in a stolen skirt with no underwear and you're telling ME to reevaluate life choices?!
I SWEAR TO GOD IF SHE FUCKS WITH OUR GOLD GENE POOL
I got so drunk last night I took a ice bath with my mother in law
Sex on the trampoline with your two best friends cheering you on: PRICELESS.
Randomize
