She made me put my jeans under her mattress so that I wouldn't leave in the morning while she was still sleeping. Apparently I just look like "that guy".
Did you know they have alcohol AND weed delivery in Canada??? I'm not EVER coming home
I've never seen anyone write a check for a bar tab before
Why do you keep getting laid in MY dreams
Yeah but he's impersonating a gargoyle jumping off of everything. Including the walls.
I just had a contest with the toilet to see who could hold their breath longest.
I won
The effect you have on my penis from a different state is impressive
New brilliant plan: invite two random okcupid girls to the same bar at the same time, have them compete
Just saw an all male dolphin threesome from underwater viewing
I've found my spirit animal. I'm a Snapple bottle. If you take my top off I'll tell you a fact about science.
I have to shave my legs first. I'm afraid tiny woodland creatures will fly out if he tries touches them.
I'm in the ER bruh, I went skinny dipping last night and a cat fish bit my dick.
All i remember from last night was that i was sitting on the toilet for a good hour eating a philly cheesesteak hotpocket... then i woke up... in my bed.
I'm pretty sure I naked in my first year of college more than I was as a baby.
Punched myself in the face trying to open a bottle of Vicodin one handed. Night is going well.
Randomize
