you left him a drunk voicemail of you singing speechless by lady gaga balling your eyes out
he just called me skinny, hes either trying to get laid, or i'm going to have to marry this man
my dad's beating me at drinking again. No matter what i do I can't win.
we found you standing over and eating out of my neighbor's garbage can
I told her that I thought she needed an oral mammogram. With me being pre-med she bought it.
will emailing you the 64 kama sutra positions I want to try during the 3 days your here turn you on or terrify you?
Lead with your genitals is the best advice I can give you.
The best of us have puked in our office garbage cans. I just hope yours wasn't the metal mesh kind...and bagless like mine. Rock n roll office manager.
There is a check pinned to the wall at Connor's. It's a check I wrote for $1,000,000... To you. Clearly you made out well on St. Patrick's day. Thanks for being too shitfaced to remember to grab that.
gin. gin. Gin. GIN GIN GINGINFFdJH
my god I love twenty year old dicks
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
And then you screamed, "I JUST WANNA POUR MAPLE SYRUP ALL OVER HIM AND RAVISH HIS BODY!!"
I feel like that japanese guy who ate all the hotdogs. Except replace hotdogs with sailor jerrys. And instead of a trophy and world record I just get a hangover at work
DRUNK COOKIES
Are you drunk or are the cookies drunk or are these cookies that get you drunk?
Yes
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