Do you think an esthetician would be willing to wax the Chanel Cs into my crotch? That way, whenever a guy gets ready to pound on it I can go "Careful, it's Chanel."
I just woke up and i'm wearing a cape and it says sup slut on my ass
dude i just figured out that the tostitos sign is two people eating chips and salsa. being high totally pays off sometimes
We are gonna be 90 years old in wheelchairs at the nursing home sitting at computers poking each other and waiting for the other to die so we will have the last facebook poke.
Your two fuck buddies playing ping pong together. HOW. ADORABLE!
Thank god the bicycalist i hit was on drugs
Dude it was a mini horse. It obviously only eats mini things.
Holy shit, you lost your virginity on 11/11/11. Now every time someone fucks you, they can make a wish. Your vagina has officially been transformed into a wishing well.
You fucked her?! HER?!
She sent me a nudie pic with a bunch of weed nuggets all over her tits...what was I supposed to do? I don't hate America sir.
Really? Uh ohh sounds like a double date with extra stripper funnnn
He tried to puke in the 14th hole and when I told him to stop he started chanting "hole in one hole in one"
dude, she has my telletubby sweats and my good sweatshirt hostage, I can't risk their safety with a breakup
Explain to me how we're not being documented on? A gynecologist I saw two times 8 years ago popped up on my people you may know list on fb. What in the actual fuck?
Then you fell out of your chair, looked right at me and said, "You are sooo drunk."
Sorry I threw up all over your Lyft.
It's ok I woke up next to a dumpster.
Randomize
