Haha so apparently that girl last thought I was you the whole time, and in the morning realized you weren't the one she fucked. Thanks for your help.
Why did every guy I have ever slept with have to come into the library today?
there is this woman at the counter who looks identical to linda ellerbee. and she's grinning. COME. INSIDE. NOW.
my mom just served us mashed potatoes with an ice cream scoop. When I asked her why, she said she thought it would make dinner 'more fancy'...
He just asked me if I ever had the urge to put a zucchini in my ass.
Apparently I kept telling the bartender that I was going to set the Guinness World Record.
I just recognized Courtney in a crowded Trader Joe's solely by seeing her ass. In other news, I survived the first round of layoffs today.
I'm not sure which feat is more impressive...
You kept saying you we're gonna puke and wanted to steal my pants
That does not explain the remnants of a small fire in my bathtub.
I should be a dude... Walking a goat on a rope is a total chick magnet.
This is the I'm sorry text for running around yelling don't shit on my rainbow, end up in the fetal position crying at 4 am in my car because someone shit on my rainbow
ATTENTION PENIS' OF BURLINGTON: I AM COMING FOR YOU
I don't want to sleep with anyone. I just want a burrito
I'm currently on an epic search all over the city for a drug store that isn't sold out of Plan B. I celebrated your birthday from afar.
Sometimes I look at her and just start choking. She is that much of an evil entity.
I have seen you puke and 5 mins later rock my world. So there is hotness there that average people will never see..
Randomize
