I think I'm going to be in trouble for sneaking out last night. My Dad saw me drive up this morning when he was leaving early for work.
What'd you say?
I told him I was sleep driving
i just walked in on my sister drunkenly sobbing to sarah mclachlan. its time for an intervention.
didn't that happen to you last weekend?
shut up.
I need to buy a mesh tank top to fit in in Florida. Where do they even sell that shit?
my dad just told me he wants a furry wall in the house... i'm proud and concerned
Exactly. So he deserves crazy "thanks for keeping me out of jail" sex. Or an "I'm glad your excessive cocaine habit had some positive outcomes" blowjob.
You know what's soul crushing? Walking to subway and find out you were too drunk to put on shoes and being denied service.
Um. I literally have no words.
So basically, I've just woken up in another random bed and I go to get my pants and he's wearing them. Like my underwear is in them... What the fuck is wrong with my life?
Just had a shirt made that says "I'm sorry" going to wear it every sat and sun morning for the foreseeable future
im currently assessing the tequila situation in preparation of your arrival
He never broke character while fucking me on the neighbor's lawn. I give him a 10 for his dedication to the British accent.
Went out with the family last night and some 40 yr old lady wanted to take me home. My mom was not happy with me
I can't come. It's so cold my uterine walls have frozen together like a cherry popsicle.
Being drunk at Chick-fil-A is a dystopian experience
I DEMAND FORESKIN
I swear I only fuck him for the huge bottle of smart water he gives me afterwards.
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