Ah, the precious few moments between when i wake up and when i realize why i'm sleeping on a treadmill.
I have two stamps on my hand....ones from the bar and one is from an aquarium...care to explain?
Every single person in dollar tree stares at you if you are buying a pregnancy test and wearing a charlie brown costume. Just FYI.
my boss just offered me his leftover salvia im not sure if it was a trick question
It's like an R Kelly music video in here. Only a matter of time before someone pisses on someone
We really shouldn't need this many nicknames for the women you've had sex with.
We go out, we get drunk, we watch Star Wars, we pass out. What's wrong with this tradition?
He texts me "what are you wearing" in the middle of the workday, so naturally I assume he's kidding and respond "the blood of my enemies" #foreveralone
also I have no idea whose underpants I'm wearing right now but they're super comfy and I'm not giving them back ever
can i get licensed in dentistry online like a priest
What am I thankful for..I figured out I can drink on antibiotics without getting sick thanks to the power of pot gummies
Watching a guy pay his tab with a check. Jesus dude...
I may have passed out and puked all over the host's favorite couch, but three hours and a rip later, I was eating tiramisu in the bathtub with the birthday boy and a hot Italian.
He sent me the milestone first dick pic this morning, it looked like a baby's fist holding a tree trunk. I'm frightened and aroused in equal measure.
I expected my Sunday morning walk of shame dressed as a sexy Dorothy would get some scorn, but nobody seems to even care
That’s because it’s 2020. The slutty costume walk of shame is a refreshing reminder of a time when wearing masks and catching communicable diseases was a right of passage, not everyday for the foreseeable future.
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