Fake titties should be able inflate and deflate like tires. So on Saturday you can put on your Double D hooker titties or Sunday put on your size B church tits.
watching a depressing episode of spongebob while high is the most depressing thing i have ever experienced
Killed two birds with one stone: found my wallet and unclogged the toilet.
A guy just tried to send me a pic of his penis & my phone sent me a disclaimer saying "the components were unsuitable for your terminal"
Even your phone knows you shouldn't sleep with him...
We played "race the Jimmy John's driver". Order, then see if we can finish sex before the food arrives.
I know. My only sports are biking to buy drugs and running from the police.
Cuz its complicated and I hate complicated and I miss your penis
I woke up in the ER. This living like theres no tomorrow really could mean theres no tomorrow.
I woke up and he used my makeup to write "hope you don't get pregnant" on my mirror before he left
I'm going to text my booty call and tell him nevermind, that I got the job finished by myself. That will teach him to text back faster.
This lesson is brought you by a psychology class.
You may be fancy. But you'll never be having cheesy garlic bread and scotch at 3am fancy.
She tried doing a backflip and ended up doing somersaults down the entire stair case.
My apartment looks like the apocalypse of sobriety.
You make any dick jokes involving sushi and there WILL be consequences.
Sushi is fucking sacred in this house and I will kill you if you try and taint that.
Just saw a hotel with a bunch of mattresses in the parking lot. Made me think of you.
Randomize
