mom just said that her bf is good in bed. fml.
i am watching a movie about a vagina with teeth and then you sent that to me while im eating sushi.
mom and grandma are in town. grandma wants to get drunk with you
I wish I had my own personal Asian lady that lived under my bed so that she could wax my eyebrows and give me a pedicure whenever I wanted.
my mom just emptied my water bottle filled with vodka into the turtle tank.
How many times can I tell him I wasnt expecting sex before he realizes I'm just too lazy to shave all the time?
well apperantly i passed out on the stairs shouting "victory".
He just lit his joint with the tiki torches around his pool. He is definitely coming to my future parties
I'm sorry and I love you. One day we're going to live in a whore mansion with our babies and make boys cry.
Also I'm very proud of th fact that I walked my dog before bed. Drunk dog walking should be an Olympic sport; it takes SKILLS.
I fell into his fridge. I want to leave.
Woohoo! Instead of a pregnancy test you can buy me a burrito
I'm totally going to bang the cable guy tonight. I'm so pumped
I'm in Florida in a retirement community the fuck am I supposed to do but watch tv and disgrace Jesus
I just checked and if you bring a picture of your ex they will shred it and give you a free 'hater shot'. Would it be too much to print off one of their wedding pictures and bring it?
I really love that you're not going the 'why am I not married and having a kid yet?' route, but rather 'thank god I dodged that bullet'
Passed out in someones front yard last night. Got woke u?p by a lady walking her dog at 6am. Rock bottom.
Randomize
