why didn't we just drop out of school years ago and become dominatrix bitches who beat men?
I don't know but we should still do that
Guess who's still drunk but on time to court to represent a DUI?
You are my hero
I guess you don't realize how much twelve bags of chips are, until they're all over your floor.
She makes me want to have breakfast margaritas every day
Just wondering did you put mouse traps and brownies on my porch?
high enough to want to lick peanut butter off of Michael Buble's vocal chords as he serenades me.
They left me passes out in the food donation bin with an empty handle and a half eaten box of nutter butters
My hickies are dark enough that I can feel drivers judging me from across an intersection
I'm sorry I never said I wasn't coming home last night. To my defense I did type and send a text, only I was too drunk to realize I sent it to the guy I was with instead of you.
Somehow I became in charge of getting my mother laid? This can't be my life? Lol
I vaguely remember losing my underwear to 2 chicks in a bathroom. That drunk.
Damn you. I'm in a bar with Southern Jesus Fearing Blah Blah Rednecks WHO ARE PROBABLY VOTING FOR TRUMP and you go radio silent.
He's mad at me because I said I wouldn't date him if his dick was smaller. I fail to see the issue
I'm sitting in my car avoiding a customer. Apparently the new year hasn't affected my attitude nor work ethic
Listen, yo... we need to have a serious conversation about this Dollar Store toilet paper. Because if I’m going to finger someone’s ass, it’s not going to be my own.
Randomize
