I'm not a mortal combat character
but my vagina is
nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
I truly don't know anything about sober relationships. Normally I would just drunkenly yell "sex?" in a guy's face. What do I do now? Be like, sooo uhhh, wanna do it? Awkward, and even worse, I will remember clearly just how awkward it was.
I'll be honest, not actually surprised to find half a Big Mac box and bits of broken security glass by the sofa.
Well it looked like you were having a fucking apiphany sitting at the toilet with a t shirt around your head
What did he say? I couldn't hear him over the sound of how awesome his beard is.
I wish we knew morse code and could knock to each other through the wall
How was it playing wingman?
I feel like I was rockys coach watching him get the shit beaten out of him by Apollo creed
she texted me 'with freud,' which i thought was drunk for 'i'm with my friend.' but nope, she was actually on a statue of the psychologist sigmund freud.
He lit a candle for the mood and ended up lighting my hair on fire while we were hooking up...moodkiller
Holy shit, add "successfully got stoned secretly at a party where a cop was" to my list of accomplishments.
Listen. You dont know how advanced you are in yoga till you have to shave your butthole
I have this theory that your highest awareness of how drunk you are is while you're sitting on a toilet
It just so happens all of their names are Ryan, so I never have to change whose name I moan.
My friend Julia's mom just called her to say she got a puzzle in the mail made of cheese and when she put it together it spelled FUCK YOU and she doesn't know who it's from.
Randomize
