THEY JUST PLAYED KISS FROM A ROSE TONIGHT IS PERFECT
I wonder who the first pervert was, and if he would be proud of me for advancing his art form by so much
nothing says happy new years better than a black eye from shooting yourself with a champagne bottle
I think that's the first time i've seen 'you look like an ugly version of my ex' work as a pickup line
She just did a bodyshot off herself. I don't care that it's only seven thirty, come pick her up.
I WILL MAKE A FLYING LEAP FOR YOUR DICK WHEN I SEE YOU THROUGH THE WINDOW
Under someone's bed. Not sure whose. I think they're sleeping in it.
Is that a tongue signal to get over there? That's how my two heads are taking it.
Then this bride walked into the bar, she thought it would be a good idea to hug her & then she started playing parachute with her train.
This is true. I'm still having Jess write "no drugs" on my left hand and "except weed" on my right hand
He crawled outside into the bushes to throw up. He's just laying there now but he says he'll be ready to come home if we just give him five
At least one of us had a weekend full of money and dick
I woke up with a massive hangover and realized I still had an entire bottle of tequila in my car...so yeah, working on tomorrow's hangover.
dude I don't even care if I'm getting catfished the point is I'm going to get laid. hot bitch, fat bitch, skanky bitch, i don't care my penis is having an adventure tonight regardless
Someone had to wrestle her in the chocolate pool, I'm glad I was man enough to step up and do it
Randomize
