Remember when you weren't going to be a shit show?
You should see what I'm doing to your stuffed animals
I wish that guy wasn't missing teeth
Black Friday shoppers are ridiculous. I think I just watched a marriage end.
fyi, she knows we call her the sperm bank. watch your back.
Ohh man do you know how awkward it is to keep eye contact and have a normal conversation with someone while their hand is in your vagina?
he pulled a $400 bottle of champagne out of the back part of his toiled and I was ready to blow him then and there
I'll never be able to have sex on these sheets. I'd have to cover up the eyes of every single Elmo.
When you get home there will be live fish in the bathtub. I did not put live fish in the bathtub.
He sent me a pic of her engagement ring and then STILL asked for nudes.
I assume some self respect is too lofty of a gift idea
Are you 5:30 blackout again?
Is it bad that whip cream tastes like sex to me?
Im too stoned for my mom to be picking up hitch hikers. Help.
May have told my history professor I wanted him to stuff me like a turkey. Too slutty?
Nah, people appreciate the creativity of seasonal sluttiness. Let me know if it works!!!
Randomize
