I look like Roseanne just got in a bar fight with Rosie O'Donnell.
this guy just used the pickup line "God must have spent a little more time on you" I recognized the nsync lyric immediately.
Then we all started singing, "Our house, in the middle of the street. Our house, fucks a lot of freshman meat". It was magical.
I think for all the guys in my phone, I'm going to change their pictures to pics of their dicks. It's easier to identify them that way.
I've already reverted to sweat pants. And lonely drinking.
I saw your relationship status and wanted to write "Now you can fuck with some peace of mind that she isn't giving that other guy she met online a handjob."
I swear I can't go out anymore. It's like he put a GPS in my dick. I don't know if I should feel awkward or proud...
she walked in on me throwing up in the sink with my pants around my ankles and I said "i'll be with you in a sec"
I would just like to point out that a bandaid led to sex. The lesson here is always have a bandaid in your wallet.
How do you politely tell a guy that you only kissed him so he would shut the fuck up?
I will most likely miss you the least and fondly remember you as Mr. "I need a minute" but really need 24 hours and 4 extra inches.
He was more upset that I got into his phone than about getting caught cheating.
Some guy I'd never met and didn't invite threw the punch bowl at the wall and set the plastic skeleton on fire. I don't think we'll be getting the full deposit back
I told you naked hot tub wrestling would turn bad now one of us has a gash on the head and another a black eye
This is why I should’ve just stuck with blow jobs. I’m good at blow jobs. Blow jobs never fail me.
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