I miss Bob Barker.
Yeah, more like Douche Carey...
drunk me just left notes all around the apt to remind shitfaced me that i have mashed potatoes in the fridge. do not take them down if you come home before me.
it took you forty minutes to realize it was a gay bar.
I just used dish soap as body wash. I smell like a dishwasher exploded. isn't the end of the semester fun?
Swear to god, if I have to wingman for you on my honeymoon I'm gonna be pissed
Just got caught staring at a woman breast feeding. My only response was, "She's so adorable".
I don't know what weirder, the fact that I flat out said "I thought I deleted you from facebook" or that she responded with "I just hacked your account and readded myself". Never thought I'd say this but I wish drunk me would stop making friends!
Stop studying come to the bar get drunk and help me figure out how to get home pretend there are commas in there someplace
Captain and coke. And it's not drinking alone cuz i have a dog
Duck, Duck, Goose is now the autocorrect, safe for work version of fuck, fuck, loose.
I feel like I hate him but his dick too bomb to hate completely
Omg cinnamon bun Oreos. Thanks weed
I saw a drunk guy run across the street with an American flag between his buttcheeks.
One minute I'm going home the next I'm getting railed on the back 9.
They are in the bedroom next door. We might have a threesome idk. Jesus take the wheel.
GO. DO.
I am Jesus and I am taking the wheel.
Randomize