i wonder why nobody wants to date me...im doing a crossword at work and asked out loud: whats a 4 letter word for 'a reason to get married?'
i was like PREG?
please come get me his dick is out. i'm sitting on his couch and his dick is out. come now
So my boyfriend is on his way over and there is no time to wash the sheets from when I had his roommate over earlier. Put them in the dryer with a damp bounce sheet. Win?
This is a whole new level of slut for you....do they smell ok?
We ran out of toilet paper the last week, so we just took showers to pee
I think i accidentally made vodka pancakes
Went biking. Saw homeless guy beating in the park. Thought of you <3
I just brought the toaster out onto the porch to light a cigarette, don't talk to me about being desperate.
Your job is getting in the way of our day drinking. Shots on the hour are not as cool alone.
Any man who has a face like that and a bike, deserves a vagina like yours permanently.
I'm eating tortillas right now. Like not cooked tortillas. Someone is playing the guitar. Man with bandana.
Whenever someone tells me they've never met a bisexual, I feel like a majestic fucking unicorn.
bought a large fruitopia from McDonalds at 7:45 this morning. Spilled it on the ground. Cried. THAT hungover.
I just remembered that before we left my house I vowed to stay fully clothed and I FAILED
I love my cat. she doesnt judge when i stumble in my house drunk and pass out on my floor. my dog looks at me disappointed.
Bacon and your penis are involved. Of course I'm going over.
Randomize
