Let's hear it for middle of the street handjobs ladies and gentlemen
it was like his penis was on wheels.
I feel like i'm in the derek zoolander school for kids who can't read good.
I am currently in the waffle making stage of highness
Ya know, sometimes when he kisses me in public I want to scream "HE DRIVES A PORSCHE!" so people watching understand that I don't have low standards, I'm just very materialistic.
Drunk
Deyhxbr
Fucaerrrrr
Why is your name on a gluestick in a plastic baggy stuck to my door?
Standing in a circle of girls fistpumping to the word "hospital" while taking shots.... I don't see this ending well, but its fucking fun.
Everything was yummy and fruit flavored and five alive and happymeas.
Every time I someone I meet again from that wedding it turns into the "Oh your the guy who puked in the hallway and passed out in front of the elevator."
Just to be a PITA after I die, my will leaves 1 cent to each of my FB friends. I hate my lawyer.
I've somehow found myself in an emotionally abusive relationship with a married man who gives me drugs.
My life is quickly turning into a Lifetime movie.
Is it bad I'm drunk at orientation
You've been there for 12 hours, what are you supposed to be doing
Not be drunk
I woke up to pizza pinned to my wall. So that's that.
I just thought that if your brother was ever going to invite me over again, he probably shouldn't catch me fucking you in his bathroom.
Randomize
