Hey dude. Went to the hospital. Call me when you get up
I dreamt Michael Jackson dropped his pants in front of me and I had to ignore it.
so chris just stuck his hand between rachel's legs and yelled 'TROUT!' and we were like...you're wasted
when she was cumming she looked like terri schiavo. it took all of my memorized porn images to not go limp.
Her vagina felt like a horse was eating an apple out of my hand..
woke up this morning with pubes superglued to my face, not my pubes
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
and i had to drink on "never have i ever unsuccessfully tried to seduce a virgin ginger"
I apparently texted him "since you're taking time out to think about us. You probably need to think about me getting arrested right now."
You have permanently scared my back with your nails. I would like to congratulate you on a job well done.
Dad danced with a girl half his age and her boyfriend just sat at the bar and waited for dad to be done. I bought pity nachos.
pls come tAke this super bath no romo it's just. so nice.
Accidentally typed message to mom that included word "kink." FML. Played it off as autocorrect from "drink" which was somehow more acceptable
Dude I just clenched/unclenched my hindquarters while looking in the mirror I have fucking talent
I'm fine. Heading home now...crying. Michael Bolton totally understands me!
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