I have got to lose weight!! Apparently no one wants to fuck a fat chick with herpes.
tell me how i ended up in the movie theater alone with a bottle of smirnoff and a bendy straw.
I opened my door to go to class and all there was was a raccoon puking on the doorstep. In hindsight, it was a very accurate omen.
I'll bring the barf blanket just in case.
Everyone is drunk but me. Fantastic. Everyone is hooking up but me. Awkward.
I had a pitcher of margaritas. Now I'm in a laundry room being a 5th wheel and crying. I made myself a bed out of a pool floatie. I win.
the cops were hovering over him then shinned a flashlight to the floor above ours, then I realized that some fucker jumped from the third story.
fuck our hall.
We had 15 min before last call. Exact quote "let's see how drunk we can get."
Vodka drinking games. Where you wake up next to a douche lord and see your thong in the blinds.
You hit a new plane of existence as we all watched in awe
apparently I like to do this thing where I wear pretty dresses and then pee on things on public. Picture proof. Four times last week.
you asked the cab driver if he wanted to meet your parents, last night.
I just tried to pass the bowl to my dog for 2 minutes before I remembered she isn't human. It is 7:27 am.
She can be as judgemental as she wants. But she thinks the female orgasm is a myth so who is really winning here...
He adjusted my bra straps while I blew him.
We're like a married couple, but we only have sex on college holidays and other people's birthdays.
Randomize
