I wanna do crazy things to you in a tent
fuckk wrong person
.. who was that for? a girlscout?
Just did shots with my boss to warm up for our sales call to Childrens Hospital. I love startups.
I bought canned wine on a clearance aisle at the liquor store... I feel like I'm living in an episode of It's Always Sunny.
until you tell me otherwise ill assume we're playing "cavity search" the homeland security game to spice up our sex life
im celebrating the fact lent is over and i can give blow jobs again.
You straddled the banister and fell down the stairs, then proceeded to crawl back up them, I think you need to lay down
I have way too big of a thanksgiving food baby to enjoy any of my old high school booty calls
There's a website where you can order a pile of horse shit to be dropped on a persons doorstep. So that's another option.
I'm going to write a horror movie. It's going to be called "Fat People on a Squeaky Bed" and it's going to feature me laying in bed last night listening to my overweight roommate and her fat boyfriend tossing and turning all night
Now I'm having a post-sex brownie. Is this the life? I think it might be
I still don't understand if he's using me to write his resume or if we're dating
I asked for a cup of water. They gave me tequila. They WANT ME TO DIE
Yes, ur purse got stole with our condo keys in it but my slut ass saved us and we had a place to stay, AND I got to choke a motherfucker while riding him. Thats taking one for the team.
I want you to remember that you started masturbating in front of a car full of people. That drunk.
OMG also, I'm sorry I tased you a lil
Randomize
