my number is 615-555-1212, <3 your favorite asshole
We played Rock, Paper, Scissors last night to see who was the least drunk to drive.
The Rock won.
I just woke up in bed with 4 girls. Either i dont remember the best night of my life or they think im gay.
Spotted: Pepto Bismol pink Scion with Ed Hardy sticker on front window, air freshener, and seat covers. Total Douchette Mobile.
I meant the "stage" gay, Not the "bend me over and call me Gary" gay.
I cant date a girl that sucks dick at sucking dick
there's a sign at taco bell and it says "bacon and ranch make everything better." it speaks to me.
I can hear my liver begging me not to go out tonight
Its official. Iv'e been kicked out of a bar in every state. I would like to take my job and travel time for allowing this to happen.
'Twas I. Do you have any idea what it's like waking up to see you sent a text inviting someone to partake in "sexy rumpus?"
And then we made hashbrowns with vodka and queso.
You what they say. One dick in the hand is better than two in the bush
A 3am FaceTime to go to IHOP is the closest thing to a bootycall that I'm getting
The only person who DOESN'T think it's a horrible idea to sleep with my ex is my therapist. Obviously I trust her judgement above all others.
I think drunk me is trying to kill me.
Randomize
