I can't find my pants or my car
I didn't even hookup I think I took them off at taco bell...
ha omg I always lose my dignity at taco bell as well... so no big deal.
Thats something to write home to mom about
Dear Mom, I had sex last nt w a girl that liked to b choked. Im n love. Cant wait for you to meet her
She showed me her prom dress from 2001, which still had her date's cum stain on it.
Oh, so that's why you call her jizzarella....
My friend just ordered a beer and poured it on the floor in celebration of open bar night
The only reason we got away with streaking last time was cuz we had those miner hats
Mystery solved: The table is broken because I had sex on it last night.
hungover waitressing a bar association event. im being judged by actual judges.
Yoga may not b such a good idea for me today. My liver is obviously in cahoots with my colon to pay me back for the past 24 days of misuse . Downward dog could have catastrophic consequences.
stalking the twitter feeds of girls who have fucked my current fuck buddy makes me glad we use condoms
so...the lady doing my pedi totally noticed the human bite marks on my calf. Who says marriage ends your sex life? Love u!
I now have a bottom rung on my kissing scale. Like I can say "Well. On a scale of Matt to Braxton he was probably a Zach." It's the little things.
I just took a plan B pill with my preworkout. That's the level I'm on today.
we were all too drunk to realize that the cat wasnt yours
I wrote notes to myself all over my body. "don't yell at cops again" "Cody stole your phone" "you kissed Cody" "vodka shots are bad for your liver" and "cactus pretty" WTF????
He in a way got kinda cockblocked by Jesus
Randomize
