It's like God shit irony all over that family
I just had the fat girl at the party come tell me I look sad and offer me a beer. I'm out.
I dont know why people are racist. Both the mexicans and the irish gave us holidays where everyone drinks on a wednesday.
I apparently spent $173 at the bar last night. The proof is in the vomit on my pillow and the receipt I tried to clean it up with.
iphones do not disturb setting is the biggest cock block to my 3am booty calls
I mean, who doesn't have an ex involved with bath salts?
dude there's a blind guy on the trail using his service dog to hit on girls.
you sternly forced jackson to start preheating the oven around midnight so you could make bagels in the morning
you were serious about those bagels
so I guess I made a note in my phone last night to remind myself not to do shrooms on the cruise ship
I just remembered I made you punch yourself in the face last night and I would like to formally apologize for that even though it was hilarious.
All I remember about last st pattys day was I was in a bathtub with full bubbles, fully clothed, drinking out of a flamingo lawn ornament that someone cut a hole in.
It's barely past noon, how am I already talking about double penetration
We didn't have a place to have sex. So we timed the automatic car wash & spent $9 for 3 minutes and 45 secs of car sex.
Forget work, lets run away, rob banks, and have kinky sex with fuzzy handcuffs.
IT'S LIKE YOU READ MY MIND.
because nothing says “let’s fucking rage” like getting a compensation letter and some company stock
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