our school mascot just walked into class and threw condoms everywhere. welcome to college
We did nothing beneficial to ourselves, or our country last night.
I put an asterick after the names of people in my phone that I've fucked. Both as a form of bragging, and also so I can actually remember all their names.
No, not normal drunk. Wake up on a trampoline with a naked chick you've never seen before drunk. I think i missed my first trampoline sex...
Mom brought home a 36 pack of Smirnoff and was all "ring any bells?" and then winked. I'm scared. What does she know?
Note to self. Don't order a $10 bottle of wine on a 40 min flight because it seems like a good deal.
God you're perfect.
I am. So drunk right now. Good work, Frontier.
I think I shall call his penis Gatsby. We talk about it all the time, but I never see it.
I just discovered I can sober up while teaching class
Do you think blood ever gets sick of carrying all these drugs around?
Like, there are so many different things we make it do, and it just wants to settle down and be a one-drug fluid?
Stop reading WebMD high.
I'm not going to pass up the opportunity to be half naked and covered in glitter without facing judgement or legal prosecution. I'll be there.
I either have a razor blade lodged in my throat or I've been drinking entirely too much Evan Williams.
that's the first time I've heard "shenanigans" and "apocalypse" in the same sentence
Also, it was so cold in that bathroom that I saw my crap steaming, a first in my life
AHHHHHHHHH. I LEFT A GLASS NEXT TO ME WHEN I FELL ASLEEP I'M SO SURE IT WAS WATER BUT NOW IT'S VODKA JESUS MADE A STOP
He was literally screaming at me for using the same knife to scoop the peanut butter and the jelly.
Randomize
