Could you imagine if a Skynet machine combination of Bob Ross and Chuck Norris were built? It would rule the universe with a soft spoken fan brush of kung fu dominance
It would be truly incredible. I hope we are blessed with this being in our lifetime.
Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
I just remembered our "im drunk enough to look at your vagina" conversation. Is that offer still valid? I really think I need a second opinion
I've started bribing my dorm's security guard with cookies so that he doesn't tell all the boys i'm hooking up with about each other.
My autobiography is now tentatively titled "I'm Fucking the DJ, and Other Ways to Party for Cheap"
Does having a sippy cup full of wine, at an outlet mall, qualify you as 'having a problem'?
in my defense, he kept drinking all of my water.
he had diabetes and you told him to stop being a pansy!
At one point they were sandwiching me, both petting my stomach, mad dogging each other. Then they somehow telepathically decided to both try to pull my pants down. Such nice guys.
I feel like i just got chewed up and shit out by a ukranian midget
My dick has a subreddit
Your mankini haunted my dreams.
I had sex upstairs in my parents house, and my mom texted me and said "those raccoons are out of control in the walls."
I am officially in a love triangle with my celebrity crush
My professor just told my lab he could drive us around town in his 1991 Lincoln towncar limo for our bar crawl. This just keeps getting better!
The only thing i ask you for is vegan food and sex.
Randomize
