'fingered' and 'feelings' NEVER belong in the same sentence.
I just saw a Kleenex commercial and thought about last night. I'm sorry about your hair.
i got really high and listened to the spongebob squarepants theme song and, i swear to god, it was in german.
Just gave a urinal high five to a complete stranger. Might not be such a bad night after all
Protocol on turning down a date from someone in the House of Representatives?
knew i was gonna lose at a shoe or be bleeding at some point. and both happened within 20 mins.
I told them I got hit by a car again and now im pretty sure they think im being abused but there was no way in hell the truth was going to fly. Employed people aren't supposed to break their faces in piggy back ride accidents.
From what I hear, her blowjob factory was runninng at full capacity this weekend.
I hate cuddling. I also hate when people breathe. Which he did, a lot. So he can go to hell.
I think that's why god made me a woman. Bc it's harder to slap people in the face with a vagina.
You fell asleep mid blowjob with my vibrator in your HAND. So no, I will not bring you pizza.
I'm 22 and I'm drinking hawaiian punch from a sippy cup. Everything is right in the world.
I just woke up in his bed.. in a cardboard castle, with a Justin Bieber poster on the ceiling staring down at me, cuddling with 4 empty PBR cans. I win.
now whenever i pass that house all i can think about is how i pooped in their yard..
I told her I wanted to go swimming and she responded with jello shots, taking off her clothes, and jumping into the pool...I think I'm in love
Randomize
