i was so high last night while i was driving i felt like i was riding a bike with no pedals
i feel like a lion cub that has been breast fed for years, and mom has left, and now i have to learn how to hunt on my own
i just jacked off to lindsey vonn, i feel so patriotic
USA! USA! USA!
Like... Chilling at home with a movie, hang out? Or have sexual intercourse in the backseat if his car, hang out?
im pretty sure your bra is in my room hanging on my shark pinata
She just lifted up her dress, screamed "This is gonna be a good one!" And pissed on the pole...
I wonder how your parents would feel if the scarf they gave me for Christmas is mainly being used for a blindfold during sex...
You tripped over nothing.. everyone stopped what they were doing and stared..you stood up and yelled "you win this time gravity"..then started chugging someone's drink
I accidentally told my mom "the reason I didn't answer your call is because my phone was in my pants, on the floor"
I couldn't find the oven mitts so I used a thick stack of tortillas
Can you send me the picture you took of me smoking a joint with the cat make-up on?
Update: they told me I was twerking to twenty one pilots
Changed all my ex bf's names to "no" in my phone so the next time I try to drunk text one of them it'll basically be like Russian roulette
He sent me a dick pic from a port-o-potty in Boston. If that's not love Idk what is.
im mourning your vaginas lack of frictional upkeep
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