Your mouth is God's brothel.
Everybody was literally kung fu fighting
I just slapped my cat in the face with my dildo. You were the only one I could tell.
He probs deserved it.
Every good man does.
He was singing Will Smith Just the Two of Us to his burrito. That high.
he said no sex till date three. i said the party was one, mcdonalds two and that i would take him with me to buy cigs for date three.
I changed the background on my phone to a picture of you so whenever I go to look at porn or text another girl I'll have second thoughts
Am I supposed to find that romantic?
if the best thing you can say about him is "he probably wont kill me" you may want to rethink hanging out with him
He literally said to me "go ahead and answer that text message while I eat you out"... Maybe I AM the relationship type...
He SHOWED UP to the party wearing one shoe and a dinosaur hat. He kept lifting up his shirt and asking people to bite his nipple.
Responsible roommate: 1. Someone who takes a huge shit at work so as not to clog the toilet at home.
Life update - currently drunk off my ass in the yoga room of SFO at 5:30 in the morning.
don't bring your nerd jargon into this conversation about my naked body
it was cool until he whispered 'sounds like you need a good dicking' with a completely serious face and i just lost it
Also, asking the guy who just told you he is crippled on edibles to watch your kid is probably frowned upon by most
Look, I am sorry I shaved your cat...but get over it.
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