So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
If you want to dance with a less than stellar Asian chick, I have just the girl for you.
He just said "Chunky" very loudly in his sleep.
She told me to "stuff her hole like a build-a-bear". I was so drunk I didn't even think that was weird.
As it would turn out, "jesusssssss" is not the password to enter Faith Chapel's wifi network.
Thinking about bringing a vibrator to the tanning bed...kill two birds with one stone right?
that's the last time we turn jepordy into a drinking game.
She said to bring taco sauce. Hoping that's a euphemism.
Discovered that a nalgene holds an entire bottle of wine. Going mobile. Come find me.
Because guys aren't supposed to cry. Especially when it's over a dude singing a Christmas carol.
He's the first man I've met that knows more about Harry Potter than I do. He shops at Goodwill and has a Game of Thrones cookbook in his apartment. This is my soulmate.
WHY IS THERE NO EMOJI FOR "FUCK MY MOM JUST SAW MY SEX BRUISES?!"
I have a bad feeling I'm going to like this fuck buddy
All I'm saying is that if he knows his wife walks around naked during the day, he shouldn't bring a friend home for lunch and show up unannounced.
Do you know anything about how the saran wrap ended up on my toilet seat?
Randomize
