It was like the Ritz Carlton of jails. I got introduced to our criminal system the right way.
You were mumbling a lot and offered me 20 dollars to leave you alone
In case this wasn't clear when i said being his wingman was "hopeless", his date walked out on him when he poured a beer on his head trying to shotgun it
It'll be a Christmas-Fucking-Miracle if we get through the ceremony without a groomsman vomming
say 'i' if you broke up a fight involving your father at TD bank today....
i've been lying on top of my bed for the past 20 minutes
i'm about to blow half an adderall though and try to rally
YOU'RE HIGH AND AT THE GYM OF COURSE YOU FEEL WEIRD
My thighs feel like glass
it's my favorite when the couple downstairs are having sex so loud that i feel like I'm part of a threesome
second-hand sex is fun, isn't it?
I think I'm going to add the date I dumped his sorry ass as a life event on FB.
I think that's justified.
I don't understand why she gets annoyed by my drunk texts. It means she's who I'm thinking about even when my brain isn't functioning properly.
Yo making cake in the shape of a penis is no easy feat
your penis is a great and majestic leader among the penises.
I drunkenly texted ur dad last night telling him he raised great kids hahahahaha
I'm glad he doesn't have a bigger dick because he'd just use it for evil anyway
His sisters are going to have a heyday finding all those condoms in their bunk beds.
Randomize
