God. I'm so broke I don't even have a dollar to snort my adderall through.
This concert is like a reunion of all my bad sex.
I feel like if I were on Intervention, I would have to be a season finale.
No, I'm not keeping her! I can't become an adulterer and a dog stealer in the same 24 hours...
Im about to embark on a date with someone who shit in my car. How did this become my life?
Don't ask how or why, but I think the 775 on the inside of my lip is permanent
Its a good night to get drunk in my onesie.
Last night I passed a kidney stone as I came inside her. Worst. Experience. Ever.
I saw a groundgog last night outside my back door. I now have a new wedding gift idea.
Are you texting, crying and driving?
And missing part of my eyebrow. Correct that is the description one would give of me at the moment.
I gave him a bj as a thank you for helping. I think that's good.
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
Broke my ankle and blacked out on my scooter last night. 'Twas grand.
I wore my old cheerleading uniform.. He came before I even touched his dick. Should I be irritated, or flattered?
He’s older
Like “has a job and pays his bills” older or “still watches porn on DVD because he can’t figure out the Internet” older?
Randomize
