Firetruck pulls up, fireman jumps out n knocks on my door, asks "do you know where Johnny lives?"
Hey i just realized that im masturbating in the exact same kind of chair that they are doing it on in this porno
shes the kind of girl i dont like to talk to unless my penis is in her mouth.
his status popped up and said 'probably going to jail.' it took everything i had not to press the like button
There was a reason that "Throat Warrior 2011" was written on my martini glass. He said my title was undisputed.
Sat in the shower and reenacted the "Wiggle your big toe" scene from Kill Bill. THAT hungover.
I cannot believe this. A potential 2016 Olympiad wants my vag. To which I respond "GO FOR THE GOLD"
you have to be that girl in the audience holding up the sign that says i fucked the shit out of you
The best of us have puked in our office garbage cans. I just hope yours wasn't the metal mesh kind...and bagless like mine. Rock n roll office manager.
And he's back on taking these stupid testosterone supplements to kickstart him back into working out. And they just make him angry and horny all the time. I'm like great, just in time to meet my whole family for Christmas.
I'm too depressed to masturbate. This election is the worst.
I woke up in a bush somewhere in Tucson with a full suit on. Great way to end my birthday.
I think someone is dead in a car across the street
Scratch that, dude's getting a blow job
It finally happened. Some guy just tried to catfish me with my own dick pic. Of course I told him that it was the hottest dick I'd ever seen and that I would do anything for that particular dick.
He went down on me and then made me breakfast in bed. He's a man you can bring home to mom.
He ate me out while I stood on his bed drinking a Rainier.
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