I wish scraping a resin bowl could be considered cleaning.
I'm done trying to be a vegetarian. My vagina smells like hummus.
The frequency that you give me blue balls couldn't be healthy.
It was awkward being the only one at the wedding who knows that the bride and groom met when she gave him a lap dance at a strip club
I've never felt so epic in my entire life as I do right now, my bare testicles staring down the ocean itself
I'm currently trying to decide if crown or wild turkey will hurt worse coming back out through my nose later.
Too much alcohol and too many lesbians. I can officially say I have regrets now. At least that's something.
You were literally hanging out the window and dancing to the remix to Ignition when we drove you home
I found more straws in my beard this morning. Please stop doing that.
We should try to put a bagel on your penis
I'll meet you in hell with unlimited boxes of wine though
He seems like a nice guy. I mean, I know he's married and he's essentially paying me to be his side hoe, but he really seems like a good person.
I can't believe I haven't fucked an Elvis impersonator yet.
Literally been in their house 5 minutes and I've projectile vomited all over the bathroom wall. The dog licked it up though so I think it's cool.
The thing about online classes is the prof can't tell this mug is full of beer.
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