If last night was a website it would be called poordecisions.com OR uncircumcisedspanishweiner.org
I had a dream that I had 21 friend requests. it was the best day
Sitting in the library lobby in the middle of exam week. Drunk. Dressed as santas slutty helper. Waiting for the student shuttle service. People are clapping for me as they walk by. Tell me how this isnt college
I just finished washing your number off of my chest. I'm Bryan by the way.
when she said she's going upstairs to put her "play clothes" on, I knew either she was a pervert or a kindergarten teacher. Either way, I wasn't going to leave. She's a pervert by the way.
if theres anything i pride myself on, its my ability to look homeless.
did i call you last night crying about tacos and the royal wedding again?
I'm wearing green eyeshadow so even if I end up totally naked I still won't get pinched.
I would pay to watch a Bravo special of you getting Botox.
I walked a mile in this weather wearing nothing but a toga. Zero fucks. Your move Mother Nature.
I never thought in a million years that I would have a threesome with my boss and his wife and yet here we are.
bitch dont make me pour hotsauce in your vagina
i was too drunk before they even got here. i took all their phones instead of keys and hid them in the freezerr...im an awesome party host.
Did you finish that presentation yet?
No but don’t worry about it. I do my best work in the middle of the night. I’m like a hamster.
I woke up alone, naked in her bed staring at a lifesize poster of edward cullen,actually I'm lying I did have socks on
Randomize
