dude beer before liquor = i want to shoot myself in the face
Apparently i was the first person to introduce her to her clitoris. Needless to say...they hit it off great
I've been thinking and really it's a miracle I haven't had an STD yet.
We couldn't find any ping pong balls, so we used a fishing bobber. Could we be more country?
I don't know who he was, where he came from, or where he went, but he just handed me a bowl of mac and cheese and left. It was good too.
i just opened a seperate checking account to keep track of how much i make and spend on our keggers
New policy: when a woman uses the word blowjob in a sentence within 5 minutes of meeting her, you buy her a drink.
you're the only person I know who would bring a water bottle of screwdriver to a wedding, and toast with it during the speech
so hungover ... i gave my nephew five bucks to go blow bubbles for an hour in the kitchen.
I was blowing him while he was singing Happy Birthday to his girlfriend on the phone. I win.
Guess who figured out you can fit an entire bottle of champagne in a big Subway cup. Open container laws my ass.
Today is my 3 year wedding anniversary...and I've seen three different dicks.
If I die it's either cuz I undercooked my burger or because I used questionable cheese. I have no pants on, so if there's a wellness check, you go in first.
You got drunk, made toast, and declared yourself a domestic goddess.
Lol. I liked you the most when we were banging random girls and trying to tag team everything. You were happier then.
Randomize
