he drove an hour to get eggs with me not even a blow job, just eggs.
Ok, maybe I don't want to know what happened last night... But somehow I guess I moved the oven.
it's like his penis is God's way of saying "sorry about his face"
You broke into someone's house and stole a pan of lasagna.
It's like....nice talking about real estate but your son gave me herpes
It was dark, she woke me up, gave me a blowjob and then whispered in my ear: do you know who I am?
did you really just send me an instagramed dick pic?
So the crazy cock blocking bitch sent her a picture of her boobs using MY phone and said: he's busy at the moment
Dude, I found out having naked people in your car is a felony.. Now were all fucked.
Had a dream I beat up niall then madeout with him while snorting coke out of a dragons egg
you stuck pieces of bread to your face with peanut butter and asked if it looked like you had a facial yeast infection.
ohhhh that's why they asked me to leave...
I have to take tonight off from shenanigans. My liver is planning a coup
i just found a red feather stuck to my penis and i really wanted to send you a picture but too much
I was actually kind of excited. I mean, how many people can say they've been question by the CIA?
My new gym is popular with trophy wives. They’re talking about yachts and plastic surgery
Learn their secrets! I want to meet men with Maseratis. The meat heads and Mustangs scene is getting old
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