the next time i see a chick with leggings under her jean skirt...i'm gona beat her ass with a fashion magazine...
i just carried on a conversation with my mother from another room mid-ejaculation. you would have done the same
Gym doesn't open till 11. I'm sure that of the other four people waiting in the lobby, I'm the only one still drunk and only going to the gym to shower.
you are the sluttiest virgin ive ever met
thanks it was an honor just to be nominated
mom in a round about way told me to either donate my eggs or become a surrogate bcuz I need money.
did i walk over a car last night?
If you spent as much time trying to get laid as you do masturbating you would surpass all of us.
When a man can't even pay attention to you when you're telling him about how big his penis is, there's something wrong
Only sluts go out in this weather carpe diem boys
I'm like a magical alcohol dispenser. I pulled this kahlua out of my vagina.
yeah the cable guy is coming and everybody is hiding all the pieces in the house. we are up to thirty two. like a fun game of smokable scavener hunt.
He walked up to anal ring toss like he was going to win you a teddy bear
It's hard picking what to wear when you know the plan is sex. Like can't I just wear my robe let's just simplify this.
I was trying to sext but got a notification that my dad and professor both commented on my Facebook photo. Bad timing.
So. Um. Hypothetically speaking...how would one get a squirrel out of the house?
Randomize
