hey babe. i'll pick you up in my mom's car. with my mom. she has nothing to do tonight.
I seem to have left my pride at pride
Since you didn't call me back last night, I can only assume that in 9 months you're going to have a child that I'm going to refer to as, "Daddy's little mistake in Miami."
did you violate me with a mr sketch marker when i passed out? i just peed and wiped purple and it smelled like grape. i need to get to the bottom of this...
I just offered a homeless man a meal from McDonald's, and he replied "I don't eat McDonald's food". That is the epitome of "begger's can't be choosers."
you kept running around the room with a flask shouting "so much room for activities!" then someone tripped you and you passed out
Drunk at a girls little league game. Hello summer.
I consider it a good night. I met Jimmy Buffet, who grabbed my ass, and I body-checked a toddler. She had it coming.
You're a college freshman. Its your job to be pathetic. And drunk. But mostly pathetic
he can show you his cooooock\nshining, shimmering, splendiddddd
U can find me on my couch hungover eatin tuna evaluating my life
Is "when in doubt date the guy with the bigger dick" a good philosophy?
He passed out. I tried to set his chest hair on fire.
I had fresh baked oatmeal cookies, tacos AND was on deck to give a stellar blow job. You'd think that'd be a win/win/win situation.
CURRENTLY PLAYING FLIP CUP WITH A WORLD SERIES CHAMPION
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