Just remembered I told my boss that matt used to make me toss his salad like every time we hooked up. Nice
ok understand this, i didn't pay for your dinner bc you said i wasn't going to get a blowjob for at least a month... this isn't a mail-in rebate deal, you gotta pay upfront
THERE IS PRACTICALLY A BEER FUCKING WATERFALL
She asked if you knew her boyfriend, and you responded that you "think you gave him head once" and then hiccupped.
It's one of those days where you order the free Papa John's pizza so the delivery guy can bring you Coke to go with your rum. The tip was more than the order.
Confession: Sometimes I wear my stolen scrubs to the corner store because people will think I'm a doctor and not just a girl too lazy to change out of her pajamas.
Almost screamed "GO FISH MOTHER FUCKER" at the girl I nanny today. Drunken card games shouldn't bleed into my sober life.
I'm beginning to worry that I seem to get along best with people when I'm naked with them.
Got another job?
If by job you mean clever way of getting free tattoos, then yes. I got another job.
Shout out to this stomach virus for helping me prepare for whatever slutty Halloween costume I decide to wear.
fyi, pepper spray hurts. whoever comes up with the best backstory wins a prize.
So besides your brother walking in on you shaving and singing "I'm gonna get asssss" how was your night
Let's just wait to see what happens before we start making radical plans and starting fires
I miss your drunken presence, and strong odor of hard liquor and potent weed.
I'm just going to use my debit card. I feel bad buying pizza with the money I stole from my roommate...so I'm going to put it in my piggy bank.
Randomize
