Do you not remember dry humping your dog for 20 minutes at oxfest dude?
I'm almost 25, which means I can ride with girls that have permits
I want to be a jewelry store heckler. "Hey man, is she really worth it"
I woke up, not remembering how or when or why i was even there and looked over to find Steph spooning with an adult black man.
its not a holiday until ive ruined the family picture because im drunk
Rubbed one out while on hold to buy tickets to Disneyland. Feel simultaneously like a freak and strangely productive.
How is it I was the last to know everyone calls me tig ole bitties? Did y'all have a meeting about this that I wasn't invited to?
I feel like I owe it to them to wear pants.
I'm high and craving hash browns from McDonalds. Please pick me up. I also would like a hug and a supportive pat on the back when you get here. Thanks.
Its two in the afternoon. McDonalds don't sell hash browns at 2 in the afternoon. Whore. The hug I can provide however.
YOU BETTER NOT BE SHAVING YOUR LEGS RIGHT NOW IM TRYING TO HELP YOU
you got drunk, told him he looked like shaggy and said 'I wouldn't show you my mystery machine for all the scooby snacks in the world'
I smoked a joint in the bathtub at 8 am then went back to bed
literally took my pants off in the middle of bourbon last night without taking off my heels im a super human i guess
Do you think you could cook pancakes while i blow you?
if being 21 means slamming 99 cent margaritas at 3:00 in the afternoon on a Tuesday then call me Peter Pan IM NEVER GROWING UP
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