If God's watching us, we might as well be entertaining
He says he's "masters drunk." And if that's anything like "kentucky derby drunk" I know enough to not go over there.
I don't care. I'll be that guy that eats cake in a car. Alone. With the doors locked.
This morning is cloudy with a high chance of vomiting all over the dentist. Stay tuned for further updates.
He's like my sex unicorn. Elusive and majestic. I'll catch him, I'm baiting with patron.
He tried to stick it in and I asked him what he wanted to name our child and he quit.
His car is rigged up like the cash cab how am i supposed to not sleep with him
Passing out on a toilet is not classy no matter what you're wearing. Not even a pea coat.
If I don't get my shit together, I'm going to be one of those really fucked up cases on 1000 ways to die
We have your weave and dirt in our room.
Yep if he's taking selfies he's probably on drugs again.
So I just stirred my shower drink with my razor.
I'm not going to ask which end you used.
she just kept pointing at the cows and calling them field penguins
Can you get the dildos out of the shower before the maids come?
Is it wrong for me to wish my cat had arms to get me a beer?
Randomize
