I brought my laptop into the bathroom so I can facebook while vomiting. New low?
Found a left over fake Olympic medal from our party last weekend. Awarded it to a random girl in the bar last night. Its the only thing she was wearing this morning when she woke up at my place.
It took my four years to get this degree, and 4 hours to lose it, My parents are not impressed.
i bought another $5 worth of vodka. with change. i look like a homeless alcoholic. i need your dino cups or else i'll be forced to make a giant jello bowl shot
She used to be a real nice person. Now she's just a dick sucking machine
Things I woke up with this morning: half a mcmuffin, orange hair, one shoe and a friendly german man. Tequila was a brilliant idea.
You made a glowstick headband with a helium balloon tied around it and climbed a tree in high heels. I was impressed.
I don't think the best pickup line was. Hey I have never made a girl orgasm before but I'm sure it will work on someone like you.
Halfway through lecture, some kid in the front row threw up IN his hands. Professor held the door for him to carry it out.
He was dressed as a cowboy and he was dancing with my ex roommate. So I took his gun and pistol whipped him with it..then somehow we still slept together..
I choose McDonald's breakfast at 1:28am over sex anytime
I feel like I should throw some tampons around my workspace so everyone will know what's really going on
Have you ever just sat there and thought about past penises?
I threw my back out having sex last night. I don’t know whether to high five myself for a job well done or cry because I’m old.
I watched one of the videos of you hanging from the rafters, and it is both violent and sexual in nature.
Randomize
