Passed out watching pirates of caribbean with vodka in hand. Woke up to jenna jameson, with vodka gone.
Rosebud was a fucking sled. Gay.
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
I'm going to be blunt here. I don't actually care what you're doing tonight. I just need to know if I need to shave or not.
i just peed with my friends in your backyard... do you still live here
I can't find the keys to get out of my front door, there are random socks in my bicycle basket and I can see a plastic handle of cheap vodka sitting on my porch. oh, and my head just broke u with me.
Oh dude, thanks for giving me that liquor last night, except replace 'giving' with 'violently forcing'.
He has pizza coupons and a hammer next to his toilet.
No she left bc the of pic I have of my mom in my bathroom. She thought it was my gf
Why the hell do you have a picture of YOUR MOM in your bathroom?!?!
Cry into your wine glass and then drink the tears, it's like the fountain of youth
Well pulled into the driveway, and there she was. Kinda like a Vegas version of the mint on a pillow
I should be rewarded with oreos for not turning into a raging cunt.
I don't need inspirational quotes. If I'm going to be motivated, it will be by anger and spite.
I've scurried myself in your trunk come find me in the morning
not being a booty call is very strange. Who knew there was so much time for activities at night!
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