I was scared of Debbie's boobs today. They were all huge and scary looking
I either date the nice guys or the assholes. There isn't any in between.
You need to find a taint.
I just saw a girl in Albersons in spandex and curlers buying PBR. Only PBR.
Well last time he got out of rehab he lasted 6 hours. So 3 days this time is quite an accomplishment.
I have a broken liver
I see that the whole "let's take a break from drinking" has worked out really well for us.
I barely remember the girls that I got pregnant, you think I'm gunna remember the ones that played handball
Just successfully made home fries from potatoes we used as bowls while stoned as shit. I deserve a trophy.
He was dressed as a cowboy and he was dancing with my ex roommate. So I took his gun and pistol whipped him with it..then somehow we still slept together..
I had to rip your toilet paper for you...
So, last night I fell asleep sitting Indian-style on the floor, propped up against the front of the couch with an empty wine bottle in between my legs... How was your night?
My blue shorts are now brown from all the stripper fake tan
NO NINJA FIGHTING AT THE GAS STATION
I look forward to getting really drunk tonight and startling some rando’s mother tomorrow morning while she’s up early making a turkey
It’s a holiday tradition at this point
We need to stop calling him that. I definitely said “Fuck me harder Swizzle Dick“ while we were doing it and it got weird
He should appreciate that I recommend that corkscrew cock of his! I’m getting him laid
Liz Cheney wasn’t exactly on my list of women I expected to be saying “YAS QUEEN” for in 2021 but here we are
Randomize
